Spectrum
by Princess of Rose
Summary: Sometimes being alone is a cold comfort.


Sometimes being alone is a cold comfort.

If possible, listen to Florence + The Machine's "Spectrum" whilst reading this; if not for the lyrics, but for the overall feel of the song.

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. This is a non-profit work of fiction.**

-_For Adam._

~Spectrum~

He deserved it.

Admittedly, after being called "The Chosen One" for so long, it was a letdown to have failed. You couldn't win them all.

Sora meant to stay longer, he really had, but he was tired and embarrassed.

And jealous.

Yeah.

How had he let this happen? He had been so _close_. This would have been something that they went through together; or, not quite together, but something they could say they'd done, especially after being apart for so long.

Master Xehanort.

Sora had not really understood the allure of darkness at first. Riku didn't talk about it much; if he did, he only mentioned it as a cautionary tale. So, Sora had never really been able to get his head around it. Not so much, now that it had happened to him.

The more time passed- and it had only been a few hours- the more memories started to slip away and lock into his heart. He didn't know if he _wanted_ to remember, honestly. It had all happened too quickly; and though the others were quick to assure, it felt like his fault. He'd given in. He would have given in, if not for Riku and Lea. It had been like falling asleep.

The cold air rushed across his face. He could have bummed a ride with Donald and Goofy, but he felt crowded and restless and full of energy in an entirely bad way. He wondered, after days of being magically sedated, when he'd sleep again, or if he'd dream, and what or whom about.

Sora needed some time on his own.

He'd stop at home first, or maybe Radiant Garden, for just an hour or two, so he could gather supplies and something to eat. He'd hang out somewhere until just before the stores closed, or maybe wait until they opened again, so he wouldn't run into the Restoration Committee. Leon would understand, but Yuffie? And the disappointment he'd get from Cid or Aerith?

And then what?

He didn't know where to start. But if they were to be facing Xehanort, he'd have to get strong enough never to give in again.

* * *

Sora ended up by the water.

He hadn't meant to stop home, really, once he'd gotten what he needed, but it was late on the play island, so he thought he'd be alone. He lay down on the beach and let the water wash over his toes. The moon was full, and it was hard to imagine that this place had simply vanished one day, only to be rebuilt once Ansem was defeated.

He felt bad that he didn't drop in to see his mother or Kairi, but then he'd have to eat a table full of crow, and explain where he'd been and what he'd done these past few weeks/months/years, and there would be tears, and he'd probably cry too, though not because he was an inconsiderate friend/son, but because he felt so _guilty_ and he was so _stupid_.

"Somehow, I knew you'd be here."

Sora shot upright in the sand, his heart beating hard. "Riku… how'd you find me?"

"Well, I didn't have to look very hard. I figured you'd want to say goodbye."

"This is something I need to do. I need time on my own to learn not to give in."

"I know I'd want a little time to clear my head. I've been there." He sat next to Sora. The silver light hit his hair in a way that was almost psychedelic. "Are you okay?"

He lay back and shrugged. "I guess. I will be, I mean."

Silence stretched on.

"It wasn't like you thought, right?"

"What?" Sora asked.

"The darkness. You thought its influence would be obvious."

"Well, it always seemed that way, from what happened to you." They went on for so long without speaking that Sora realized that he must have offended Riku. "I didn't mean it like that..."

Riku laughed. "I know. I know you didn't."

He sighed. "I'm such an idiot."

In the dark, even with the moon, Riku's face was hard to see. "What do you mean?"

"Like, I should have known something was up. I should have been able to stop it by myself. Then… then I wouldn't have failed."

Riku laughed again, but the sound was softer and less amused. "Sora, Yen Sid only put us through that exam because he thought it would help us. It doesn't matter whether or not you passed. You're still you, and as good as you ever were."

"...You say, as you were the one who passed." He paused. "You deserved it more than I did."

"Sora-"

"I might have had a Keyblade longer than you, but I still have more to learn." He forced a smile. ""Master Riku," huh? That's going to take some getting used to."

"I still have a lot to learn, too. Old Keyblade wielders- apprentices- spent years and years learning how to fight and control the darkness and light. Just because I passed the test doesn't mean I'm ready to be a real Master," Riku said.

"You'll be great, Riku."

"So will you."

Sora sat up. "What do you mean?"

Riku blinked. "Well, you can take the test again, right? Just because you weren't ready doesn't mean you'll never be. I can see it already- you'll be a better Master. You've already done so much-"

"Hey, that's not fair!" Sora shook him. "I almost gave into the darkness. I'm not… I'm not worthy."

"...How so?"

He shrugged and sat back in the sand. "I'm not sure."

"No, really. Why do you feel like that?"

"You…" Sora swallowed the tightness in his throat. "You remember, back after we defeated Xemnas? And we thought we'd never be able to get out of the realm of darkness?"

"...Yeah. I do."

"And I said that I always felt you were better at everything? And you said the same about me?"

Riku nodded. Clouds had obscured the moon, blocking the light in strange patterns. "I thought you'd forgotten that."

"No, I didn't. It came into my mind a lot today."

"The truth is-" Riku began, and then he frowned, "Maybe we're just not the same. We can't rank ourselves one better than the other. It's not _right_."

"I don't understand."

"We've followed different paths this whole time- not paths to badness or goodness, but just different ways to get to the same goal. Right now, that's defeating Xehanort, but what about our lives after that?" Just by the easy way he said the words, Sora knew he'd been thinking this for a long time. "Will we keep moving in the same direction? Or apart?"

"I don't want to be apart. Not from you." The pause felt awkward, and he added, "Or Kairi. Or Donald and Goofy. Or the King."

"But it'll happen someday. We'll grow up. We might decide to actually become Masters. We might travel, or… or settle down and get married…"

"That's still a long way away," Sora said, and bit his lip. "To be honest, ever since we were forced out of here, I never thought much about the future."

"Understandably so." Riku was so still, Sora thought. Was he even here? Was this another dream?

"Well, I mean, it's always been a fight, and we've always been wrenched apart- you and I- and I don't know why. I thought- I thought…"

"What did you think?"

Sora frowned. "Maybe we weren't supposed to be together? And then I thought that I never wanted that sort of thing to happen. Ever."

"We're here, now."

"Yes, but what about what's happening next? With Xehanort? What if… we both don't make it?"

Riku squeezed his hand. "You can't let yourself think like that."

"It's possible."

"Yeah. But I'm not going to _let_ it happen."

The tight feeling in his throat wouldn't go away. "I wish… I wish I could make it all go away. I'd give up everything- the Keyblade, all these powers- just to go back to normal."

"What about your friends? What about all the people you've met along the way? And all the worlds you've seen that you'd never have experienced had we stayed here?" Riku sighed. "When I was wandering alone, I thought about that a lot, before I realized that I don't regret any of this."

"You don't regret any of it?" Sora's words fell flat. "You wouldn't want to go back to who we were then?"

"No. I'm better than who I was then. We… we learned a lot. I had my chance to undo the damage I caused, and now I get to do something good. I'm lucky, in that aspect." He paused. "I would rather have not caused you and Kairi that pain. And I should have asked you for help, back after the King and I escaped the realm of darkness the first time. To be honest… I didn't feel like I deserved your help. I didn't feel like I deserved you. I still don't."

"Whoa, for real?" Sora shook his shoulder. "You… you saved me from Xehanort. If anything, I don't deserve _you._"

"...Sora…"

"What?"

"You searched for me for so long, even when I made it clear that I didn't want to be found. If you hadn't saved me from Ansem, I wouldn't be here right now. You've done so much."

"And what, is this your pride? You don't seriously think you owe me something, do you?"

"I'm… I'm still not very good at friendships," Riku admitted.

"You don't owe me anything, Riku. It's not fair to keep count. I mean… the whole year I was sleeping… I know you were out there, protecting me." Sora couldn't see Riku's face, and it bothered him. "I don't want our friendship to be like this. I want us to just… I don't know, have fun. Isn't that what we wanted in the first place, when we built the raft? We were going to explore the worlds together."

"And I always made it a competition."

"You're not like that anymore. You're different, but it's a good different."

He laughed. "And you're exactly the same."

"Hardly. I was such an idiot."

"Hey- you're still an idiot."

"Well, you don't have to rub it in!"

They both laughed, but Riku sobered first. "You're still going to go, aren't you?"

"I- yes. I have to."

"Be careful."

"I know. You said already."

"And don't be afraid to ask for help." He stood up.

"I know, I know. I'll be okay, I promise." Sora got up and brushed the sand from his clothing.

"You promise? You know, I'll hold you to that."

Sora could finally see his face. Riku looked tired, and for the first time Sora could feel the year's difference between them. "I should be going. I'm sure Yen Sid'll miss you."

"He… he has some work for me to do. He wants me to prove I can handle responsibility."

"Well, you can!" Maybe that's why I didn't pass, Sora thought. Not just the darkness. "You should go get some rest. You look exhausted."

"Hey, I slept longer than you did." He finally cracked a smile. "I'll miss you."

"I'll be coming back, Riku."

"I know. You're just usually not the one leaving."

Sora hugged him. Riku tensed, just a little. He smelled good- like home and something vaguely spicy. He tried not to, but it just sort of happened- he kissed Riku's cheek. He turned and went to leave.

"Wait, Sora, I don't…"

"Goodbye, Riku."

"I said wait." Riku grabbed his wrist.

"What is it?"

And he kissed him, he kissed him, he kissed him. It lasted a few seconds, and their bodies didn't even touch. "Now go. Before you change your mind."

"O-kay."


End file.
